Codependence or Enabling?

Today’s question comes from Sharon, who writes: “I have been involved with a self-help group, have worked the steps several times, and read many books on the subject(s). I am still running together two words, co-dependency and enabling. Will you please give me your take on the difference between the two.”

Sharon, I’m happy to share with you my thoughts on this topic.

For me, the difference between “codependency” and “enabling” is the focus. I consider a thought or action codependent when my focus is primarily on MY need to derive my self-worth or self-identity from the act of assisting the other person.

I consider myself enabling someone when my primary focus is on THE OTHER person and my perception of their need.

Let me give you an example of how this looks for me.

Let’s say I have a friend who has a problem with alcohol or drugs, and my friend comes to me asking for money so she or he can pay her or his rent.

If I respond from a place of codependence, I get hooked into the situation by telling myself, “I’m a good and stabilizing presence in my friend’s life. My job, then, is to help my friend – because that’s who I am, and that’s what people expect from me.  And if I don’t help my friend, then what kind of person would I be?!”

If I respond from an enabling place, I get hooked into the situation by telling myself, “I really love my friend. I am terrified that my friend might end up on the street. If I help my friend out, then she or he will be safe and secure (for a while, anyway).”

Obviously the concepts can bleed into one another. A thought or action might have elements of both (i.e. I’m getting something out of it in terms of my self-worth/self-identity AND I feel as if I’m helping the other person). An action, however, can be primarily one OR the other (i.e. it’s driven by MY needs, or it’s driven by my concern for THE OTHER).

Those are my initial thoughts. What about you? What does Sharon’s question raise for you?

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What’s on your mind?

I’m wondering what’s on your mind these beautiful summer days. Remember, the questions your raise don’t have to be explicitly theological in nature. I’m one of those guys that finds God in nearly everything – so you are welcome to think broader in the questions and/or comments you send. I look forward to hearing what you are thinking about!

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When it comes to spirituality, which is best: the communal or the individual?

Today’s question comes from Stevie.  She writes: “You spoke in your sermon [this week] about dwindling [identification with religious traditions] in the past few years. Influenced by my strong belief in separation of church and state, I truly believe that the introduction of Religion into the government during the 80s caused a big divide in this country.  So I was thinking.  Did this do damage to society, or was it good that people started exploring their own spirituality and discovered that there were more paths than those they had been taught?  What do you think about this, Pastor Craig?”

For those who didn’t hear my sermon last Sunday, in it I referenced an article in the June 7 edition of the Los Angeles Times called “Faith?  There’s an App for That” written by Stephen Asma.  In the article, the author discussed Millennials move away from communal forms of religion toward largely individualist expressions of spirituality.  The author – a professor of Philosophy, not Theology – bemoaned that shift.

This gets to the crux of Stevie’s question: is the shift from communal religious expression to individual explorations of spirituality good or bad?

My answer to that question is, “It’s more complicated than an either/or approach – communal OR individual.”

As a person who has a STRONG commitment to nurturing my personal relationship with (or connection to) God, I think it is critically important for people to first develop and then engage in their own spiritual practices.

But is that enough?

For myself, the answer is, “No.”

While individual spiritual practices are important, it can be dangerous to think the totality of God can be captured solely in one individual’s spiritual awareness or practice.

That’s where one’s participation in religious tradition can be helpful.  Participating in a religious tradition brings the individual into contact/conversation with the recorded spiritual experiences and practices of those who have lived for thousands of years.  Those contacts/conversations can inspire and challenge us to think about things we would otherwise NEVER consider on our own.  A religious tradition – when engaged in a healthy way – can expand and inform our concept of the Divine, and ourselves.

So my answer to Stevie’s questions would be, “A BALANCE between the communal and individuals is healthiest for me.”

So what does Stevie’s question raise for you?  I’d love to invite you into the conversation!

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Prayer and/or Predestination

Today’s question comes from Yvette.  She writes: “As a man of God, you may have a skewed view – but here goes— do you believe the power of prayer? Or do you believe that our fate is predetermined?”

There are a couple great questions here.  Let me address each separately.

The first question has to do with the power of prayer (and – by extension – its purpose).  The short answer to Yvette’s questions is, “Yes, I believe in the power of prayer.”  What I mean by that, however, might be different than you expect.

When some say they believe in the power of prayer, what they really mean is “the power of prayer to change GOD.”  When I say I believe in the power of prayer, I mean I believe in “the power of prayer to change ME.”

What do I mean by that?

Well, I believe that each of our lives is strongly shaped and influenced by those with whom we spend time.  The longer we spend with our loved ones, for instance, the better we understand them – and the more we incorporate their ideas, their values, and their way of being into our lives.

I believe a similar thing happens when we spend time with God in prayer and/or meditation.  The more time we spend opening our hearts, minds, and spirits to God; the more we can become like God in our ideas, our values, and our way of being.

So when I spend time in prayer – thinking about a loved one, for instance, who is battling cancer – the more compassion and strength I draw from God and the more I feel equipped to be a loving companion to my loved one on their journey: whatever the outcome of their illness may be.

So why am I not comfortable with the notion of prayer being about changing God (and – by extension – God’s mind)?

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say my Aunt Betty has breast cancer, and my friend Ryan – who is an agnostic – has an uncle with lung cancer.  Then let’s say I pray fervently for my Aunt Betty while Ryan never prays for his uncle.

I don’t believe that God would cure my Aunt Betty of her breast cancer just because I prayed for her cure, and God would cause my friend Brian’s uncle to die from lung cancer just because Ryan didn’t pray.

Why not?

In that scenario, God would take on too many qualities of us human beings (i.e. liking/saving those who like/accept God and rejecting/killing those who don’t like/accept God).  I believe very strongly that God’s capacity to love and care for ALL people is FFFFFAAAAARRRRR greater than our capacity!

This leads to the second question you raised about the matter of what some Christian theologians call “predestination”.  The belief in predestination is linked to the belief that God has an eternal and unchanging plan for our lives.  Nothing we can do can cause us to veer from that plan.

I do not believe in predestination.  My belief in free will tells me that God had such a profound love and respect for us – that God extends to us the freedom to make our own choices.

That’s why, for instance, I do not believe that God’s plan was for Adolf Hitler to rise to power and exterminate millions of non-Aryans.  I believe instead that God entrusted humanity with the ability to choose their leaders.  The fact that human beings then (and human beings NOW!) are susceptible to those who use fear and intimidation to lead and give overly simplistic answers to complex issues is not God’s fault; it’s our responsibility!  Unfortunately, all too many blame God for humanity’s choices.

Yvette has raised excellent questions for conversation.  I would like to invite you into the conversation as well.  What are your thoughts on these matters?

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Prayer

Today’s question comes from Cheri.  She writes: “With the ongoing health issues and struggles we as a family have faced with John (my adult son) I have frequently been amazed and taken aback by the responses of the Christians in my circle as I have shared my prayers and concerns. They responses that prey on my mind fall into two camps. One is the predictable ‘Give it to God’ camp where folks seem to feel that we’ve prayed about this once and should just now leave it to God. It’s like they think I/we don’t have a strong faith because we continue to pray for John’s healing. As John gets worse, not better and I/we are praying for miracles; the other camp crops up. These are the folks that believe that miracles in the grand sense stopped happening in Bible times and what we have now is modern medicine and the comfort of Heaven to come. I believe that praying continuously for healing can be appropriate and that asking God for a miracle for my child, granting that it may or may not be His will, is also entirely okay. Thoughts? Ideas about how to respond to these well-meaning (I trust) naysayers?”

There is much to process from Cheri’s remarks.  Let me pull together a few thoughts in hopes that this will be a jumping off point for further conversation from my readers.  With that said, let me plunge in.

So much conversation about prayer in Christian circles is predicated on two theological beliefs about God.  The first belief hinges on the assumption that God is completely transcendent – or completely separate from – God’s creation.  The second belief hinges on the assumption that the primary purpose of prayer is to change God (or, at the very least, change God’s “mind”).  These two beliefs generate a prayer practice known as intercessory prayer.  Its purpose is to wake God and inform God about what is happening in our lives.  Once we’ve done that we hope we can motivate God to take the particular course of action we want.

While a large percentage of Christians believe this is the only way to think about prayer, there are MANY Christians who understand prayer quite differently.

Such individuals don’t believe that God is completely separate from God’s creation – but rather God in infused in God’s creation and permeates it.  Given that God is fully present amidst God’s creation, prayer then is no longer seen as a way of bringing God up-to-date on what’s happening and trying to lobby God to one’s preferred outcome.  The primarily purpose of prayer, then, is to strengthen the individual’s connection to/relationship with God.  It’s goal is no longer to change God (and God’s mind).  Its goal is now to change/strengthen the individual him or herself so that she/he can deal with the circumstances one finds oneself in.

From this second way of thinking about prayer, it makes complete sense to pray regularly for a loved one (including oneself) since the individual praying needs to regularly connect with the Ultimate Source of Power and open her/himself up to accept the challenges and outcomes that one faces – regardless of the outcome.

As you can see from my brief remarks, so many of our basic theological assumptions – assumptions that sadly too often go unexplored – form the character of our prayer lives.  I can see given some of the theological assumptions your friends make why they might be troubled why you and your family continue to pray even after “giving it up to God”.  However, given other theological assumptions that folks like myself make, it make ABSOLUTE sense for you and your family to continue your regular prayers for John.  And please know that I will continue to pray regularly for John, you, and your family too!

So how about you?  What things does Cheri’s question raise for you?

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To Talk About Faith, or Not to Talk About Faith – that is the question … :)

Today’s question/comment comes from Stevie.  She wrote: “Sharon’s recent question which started, “when asked about my religion…..” made me think. It made me wonder why I dislike it so much when someone asks me about my faith, especially the question, “Are you a Christian?”.  My relationship with God is so personal to me. To me, a question such as that is as intrusive as any other question about my personal life. I could never be part of a faith community where “spreading the Word” is important.  Is it part of my introverted personality…that part of me that makes the number of people I get close to small? Is it because I feel judgment from those who have asked me that because my relationship with God is different from theirs? I wonder.”

There are so many different levels of Stevie’s question/comment.  I will pick out just a few threads and speak to them.  Then I will invite others to share their insights as well.

Let me start by affirming two things you said in your comment.  First, I do think an individual’s personality plays a role in how comfortable she or he is in talking about one’s faith.  Extroverts will certainly be much more likely to talk about things – including faith – than introverts.

This leads me to the second thing you mentioned that I wanted to affirm.  The fact that our approach toward evangelism is related to our approach to others things in life as well.  Some people are prone to talk publicly about a variety of things: their favorite sports team; their favorite political candidate or political party; their favorite movie or television show; or their favorite recipe.  Others keep such things to themselves.

While some might think of the ability to talk about things openly as a matter of introversion or extraversion, this issue is larger than that.  For some extraverts were raised to believe not to talk about controversial or “unpleasant” things with others while some introverts were raised to believe that a self-respecting person ought to stand up for her or his beliefs.  I believe this second matter is more a matter of style and background.

Before I get to the two primary theological points I wanted to discuss in regard to Stevie’s comments, there is one final thing that makes talking about our faith so hard in these times.  Starting in the early 1980’s, white Evangelical Christians began to play a HUUUUUUUUUUGE role in American politics.  Who can forget the rise of Jerry Falwell’s ironically named Moral Majority (I say “ironically named” because many Christians felt their group was neither).

This group of Christians spoke in very specific ways about a variety of issues.  As a result, they gave Americans the impression that if a person said they were Christian, it meant the person was anti-abortion, anti-gay rights, anti-immigrant, anti-people of other faiths, anti-fill in the blank.  As a result of their political actions, hundreds of thousands of Progressive Christians stopped talking openly about their faith for fear that others would assume they held these political positions as well.

I want to move beyond these first three areas that deal with social matters, however, and talk a little bit about theology.

There are two aspects of a person’s theology that helps dictate how much – and in what ways – a person talks about their theology.

The first is the person’s view of what some Christians would call salvation.

There are some Christians who believe that only those who profess a personal faith in Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior will be saved (meaning, they will go to heaven and live eternally with God and their loved ones).  Those of a different faith – or no faith – will spend eternity in eternal damnation.

Obviously, folks who hold this theological view have a HUGE drive to talk about their faith as often – and as loudly as possible – because they believe the eternal well being of others depends on it.  They believe in a theological position known as “limited atonement” (i.e. God’s work through Jesus reaches only those who accept or believe in Jesus in a particular way).

Some think these folks are driven by ego or arrogance: trying to win the world over to their “position” or “side”.  While there certainly are some individuals in this camp who fit that description, not all of these folks do.  Many are motivated by a genuine love for others (and a deep-seeded fear about the future of their loved ones).

Sadly, many think this is the only viable Christian theology.  It’s not.  There are many Christians who believe in a form of universalism.  This means that God’s love is so great that it not only encompasses those who love God but embraces those of other faiths and no faith as well.  This belief system is often referred to as “universal atonement” – meaning that God’s work through Jesus fundamentally affected God’s relationship with all of humanity (not just those who view Jesus in a particular way).

Universalists, as you might suspect, have a very different understanding of their loved ones present and future.  They are not worried about their loved ones being damned to hell.  Instead, they are at peace knowing everyone rests in God’s love and care.  One of the challenges of a universalist perspective, I should add, is that it can lead to a tremendous sense of complacency toward those folks who are physically and spiritually hurting – if we are not careful.

I bring this up to say our theology (whether we subscribe, for instance, to a belief in “limited” or “unconditional atonement”) has an even bigger influence on how compelled we are to talk about our faith.

The second theological matter that affects our drive to talk about faith has to do with whether or not we are a creedal Christians.

Creedal Christians are those folks who participate in traditions that tell us there are specific beliefs an individual must learn and internalize.  A sort of curriculum to master, if you will.

For creedal Christians, evangelism comes relatively easy because it is very clear exactly what an individual is to share.  These beliefs are in Scripture and the historic Christian creeds alone.  These folks often have a few Scriptures memorized that they will refer to – and a few talking points – that lead virtually all of their faith-based conversations to the same place.

Non-creedal Christians don’t have the luxury of having things spelled out for them.  While many read Scripture carefully and prayerfully – and know what beliefs are considered “orthodox” as defined by the historic creeds – their primary spiritual focus is on the truth which resonates with their soul.  In addition to Scripture and teaching, non-creedal Christians consider things like their personal experiences and what reason (something many believe to be a gift from God and NOT a threat to one’s faith) tells them in embracing their faith.

Because of the role that personal experience and reason plays, non-Creedal Christians can be much more reluctant to talk about their faith with others.  They are humble and realize their personal experiences – and their set of learnings – could very well be different than the individual they are speaking with.  They don’t want to discount the other person – so they are more likely to not share their faith perspective.

So do these theological pieces mean that evangelical and/or creedal Christians are the only ones who could and/or should share their faith openly?

Absolutely not!  My passion as a universalist, non-creedal Christian pastor is to give people in my faith community the tools they need to feel more comfortable talking about their faith.

I hope to help people realize that we CAN talk about our faith more easily when we realize our opportunities to talk about our faith are motivated by a joy and excitement about sharing our experience of God’s universal love (not fear in talking about God’s impending judgment or a heavy sense of obligation to evangelize in order to punch our ticket to heaven).

We can also more easily talk about matters of faith when we realize all we are doing is sharing our experience and perspective about God in a way that invites others to do the same.  We don’t have to worry about misquoting a piece of prepared Scripture or forgetting a sub-point of a prefabricated set of talking points that were written by someone else.

Those are just a few thoughts Stevie’s question/comment raise for me (he says as he types his 1,432nd word).  What do Stevie’s remarks raise for you?

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Tending to Our Spiritual Life

Today’s questions come from Cheri.  She writes: “What do you do when you feel like God isn’t listening to your prayers? This is not a crisis in faith, it’s a head knows heart hurts issue.  Second Question: How do you motivate yourself to read your Bible and pray when you’ve gotten out of the habit? (Not me – I was asked this week and don’t know how to answer.)”

Two great questions.  Let me start with the first.

One of the things I’ve noticed as a pastor is that lots of us think that we are only in relationship with God when we feel connected – when it feels as if things are going well in our lives.  The flip side of this, however, is that when we don’t feel connected – when it feels like things are NOT going well, we conclude we are not in relationship with God.

When I talk with folks in this headspace, I use the analogy of our human relationships.  I remind them that just because things aren’t going well in a relationship it doesn’t mean the relationship is absent or broken: in most cases, the relationship is still there.  Recognizing that you are still in the relationship – still connected – even during the most distant and difficult times can actually strengthen the relationship in the long run.

That’s how I see our faith.  When we don’t feel God’s presence or care manifest in our lives, it’s a great opportunity to do what the psalmist did: name the pain and pour out your heart to God.  Some of the most powerful words in Scripture are words of lament.  As we head toward Easter, who can forget Jesus’ heart-wrenching words of lament on the cross: “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” in Matthew 27:46

That process of pouring out your pain and frustration in the hardest times can actually strengthen your relationship with God – as you learn to be more real in that relationship.

The second question raised is a great question about the nature of spiritual practices in general: whether one is seeking to read the Bible more, pray and/or meditate more, or engage in acts of service.

Let me start with two techniques that I recommend, and then finish by making a more general observation.

The first technique I use to cultivate spiritual practice is to set aside a regular time in my day that I devote specifically to that spiritual practice.  I might, for instance, devote the first 20-30 minutes of my day to reading scripture; I might add 10 minutes in my schedule when I go to bed to prayerfully review my day; or I might set aside a portion of my day off to engage in an act of service.  By regularizing the spiritual practice, I’m less likely to get busy and “forget” about it.

The second technique I use to cultivate spiritual practice is building a community around the spiritual practice.  If I want to read the Bible more, I might recruit a friend to do a “read the Bible in a year” program with me; if I’m working on my prayer life, I might seek out a prayer partner whom I can check in with and share how my prayer life is unfolding; if I want to engage in an act of service, I might work on befriending someone at the ministry site to build a friendship with.  My spiritual practices are a thousand times easier to maintain when I’m not going it alone.

While I’ve found those techniques helpful, there is an underlying issue that can be the elephant in the room.  The most important determiner I’ve found for myself is answering a key question: why do I want to engage in the particular spiritual practice?

If I’m reading the Bible just because I think it’s important; or if I set aside time to pray because other good Christians I know do that; or if I volunteer at a food bank because the pastor talks a lot about doing that sort of thing in her or his sermons – I can almost guarantee the effort will eventually fail.

If I adopt a spiritual practice because I truly believe that the spiritual practice will bring me closer to God – and provide me with nurture that I need and can’t get anywhere else – then a person is MUCH more likely to maintain the spiritual practice.

Those are just a few of my thoughts in regard to Cheri’s excellent questions.  What thoughts do her questions raise for you?

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